A Sorcerer, a Priest, and a Rabbi
by Finn Mac Cool
Summary: Three religions and only one statue. An amusing look at Holy War.


A Sorcerer, a Priest, and a Rabbi  
  
In the southern part of Italy, during the days of the Roman Empire, there was the village of Herex. Herex had three main religions living there: Paganism, Judaism, and Christianity. The Pagans almost all lived in the southern part of Herex, the Christians in the middle, and the Jews in the north. The three groups avoided each other at all times, developing their own districts and communities.  
  
One day, a traveling merchant came to Herex on his way to Rome and decided to pass the night at an inn. All of the merchant's products were stored in the stables, near the horses. One of these products was a most excellently carved statue of a dragon, which the moonlight shone off of splendidly. During the night, a real dragon was flying over Herex. This drake saw the statue the merchant had, and thought it was a statue of him. Now, this dragon was a follower of the Pagan faith, so he thought to himself, "Someone has carved a statue of me! Well, what better place for my image to be put than in the temple."  
  
So the dragon took the statue and left it at the Pagan temple in the southern part of Herex. When morning broke, the merchant decided not to leave for Rome right away and took a vacation at the Herex inn, so, of course, he had no idea his statue was missing. Also this morning, the Sorcerer, Head of the Pagan temple, discovered the dragon statue by the temple's doorstep. The Sorcerer, being the head of a religious establishment, immediately looked for a divine explanation, and determined the gods had given the statue to him as a gift. That day, the Sorcerer and some other Pagans arranged the statue as part of a panorama of figures in the temple yard, telling a myth about Hercules. So well made was the draconian statue, that it became the pride of the Pagans.  
  
Now, after a few nights went by, another dragon was flying over Herex. This dragon, just like the first, saw the dragon statue and thought it was modeled after him. Unlike the first, though, this dragon was a Christian, and he thought, "A statue of me in a Pagan temple! It should be in the Christian church!"  
  
So the Christian dragon snatched the statue away and dropped it off at the church the Christians had built in the middle section of Herex. Upon the next day, the Pagans were shocked and outraged that their wonderful statue was missing. Also, the Priest at the church found the statue and decided it was a gift from God, and would make a great decoration for the church's roof. So, for the next couple days, the Pagan Sorcerer made angry inquiries about where the statue had gone, while the Christians enjoyed its position on top of their church.  
  
Eventually, a Pagan came running to the Sorcerer. He said, "I was just visiting the middle part of the town, when I saw the Christian's church, and our dragon was on their roof!"  
  
The Sorcerer grew furious. "Those Christians have stolen our statue! Well, we'll get it back! Summon every loyal Pagan, and I'll lead them northward to claim it!"  
  
Immediately, several attendants to the Sorcerer went all throughout the Pagan district, shouting that the Christians had stolen from them. In no time at all, there was an angry mob of Pagans being led by their Sorcerer to the church. When the Pagans reached the Christian part of Herex, they frightened away every non-Pagan they found on the streets until the reached the church.  
  
Now, with the Pagans causing so much noise on their march, the Priest learned of their approach before they got to the church. However, the Pagans refused to talk to the Christians, so the Priest didn't know the statue was what they were after. Quickly, the Priest called together his own mob, this one made up of Christians. When the Pagans reached the church, they were met by an angry bunch of Christians holding whatever household implements they could find that would serve as weapons. The Pagans were similarly armed. Without a word of warning, the two religions began to fight.  
  
It was a long, violent fight, and it was impossible to predict who would win. In the midst of the fighting, yet another dragon flew over Herex. The battle between two angry mobs held everyone's attention, so no one noticed the drake overhead. The dragon saw the statue on top of the church, and also thought it was designed to look like him. This dragon was a Jew, so, naturally, he thought, "This is a statue of me! It belongs in a Jewish synagogue, not here, surrounded by war hungry heathens!"  
  
So the Jewish dragon swooped down and grabbed the statue (no one dared take their eyes off the fight to watch the skies) and he carried it northward to the Jewish community. While the dragon was flying, the Pagans and the Christians were getting worn out from fighting each other. One by one, people pulled away from the battleground, until the fight ended, with no apparent winner. The Pagans had retreated a good distance, but kept the church in their sights. It was then, with the leisure of having to rest upon them, that one of the Pagans proclaimed, "The dragon statue the Christians stole from us is gone!"  
  
All of the Pagans looked towards the church roof, and were shocked. "It was there right before we fought, I know that," said one Pagan.  
  
"You are correct," said the Pagan Sorcerer "it is clear the Christians have taken the statue inside to hide it from us!"  
  
The Pagans' anger boiled again at this, and, with newfound strength, they charged the Christians' church. The Christian mob had retreated into the church, resting up in case the Pagans attacked again, but were completely unprepared for another attack to come so quickly. The Pagans burst into the church, and, taking the Christians by surprise, forced them to surrender. The Sorcerer cornered the Christian Priest and shouted, "Where's the statue?"  
  
The Priest was confused; since this was the first time the Pagans had ever stated why they were attacking. So he said, "What statue?"  
  
"Don't play dumb!" shouted the Pagan Sorcerer "Where's the dragon statue you stole from us, the one that was on top of you roof?"  
  
Recognition began to dawn on the Priest's face. "We didn't steal that from you, God gave it to us."  
  
"Then your god is a thief," said the Sorcerer "Where is it now?"  
  
"It should be on the roof," said the Priest.  
  
"We'll see about that."  
  
The Sorcerer dragged the Priest outside and directed his gaze to where the dragon statue had once stood. The Priest's mouth fell open. "It must have been stolen."  
  
"Stolen by who? One of your followers, no doubt."  
  
"None of them would steal from the church. It must have been one of your heathens."  
  
This was the wrong thing to say, as the Sorcerer hated being called a heathen and a thief by a Christian Priest. "Think about it," said the Pagan Sorcerer "we were all busy fighting your mob. How could we have stolen the statue? And even if we could have, I wouldn't be demanding you give it to me right now if we had it, now would I."  
  
"Well, it's not either of us, then," said the Priest "so who else is left?"  
  
They both shouted out what they thought to be the answer. "The Jews!"  
  
Quickly as they could, the Sorcerer and the Priest arranged a temporary peace between their two faiths. When the Priest explained to the Christians that the Jewish people had stolen their dragon statue, everyone was so angry that they forgot their previous battle and went north to get the statue back from the Jews, and the natural place to start was where all their leaders gathered, the synagogue.  
  
Now, by this time, the Jewish dragon had brought the statue northward to the Jewish synagogue. Dropping the statue on the front doorstep drew the attention of the Rabbi who managed the synagogue. When he found the statue, the Rabbi concluded that God couldn't have left it since the Scriptures forbade carved images. So the statue was believed to be a prank, and was stashed in the basement by several resident Jews.  
  
Soon, the combined mobs of the Christians and the Pagans were marching into the Jewish community. Such a large mob is hard to miss, so news of their approach was passed to the Rabbi immediately. Swiftly, a mob of Jews was summoned together. Packing themselves into the synagogue, the Jews waited for the mob to approach. The Pagans and the Christians charged into the synagogue, and were forced out in a second. The Jews may not have had as many numbers as Christians and Pagans combined, but they weren't worn out from fighting a little bit earlier.  
  
The Christo-Pagan mob surrounded the synagogue and shouted for the Jews to come out and surrender. Every so often, an attempt would be made to get inside, and some nearly worked, but the Jews always pushed them back. The Rabbi ordered several of the Jews to toss whatever junk they could find out the second floor and onto the Pagans and Christians. The attacking mob was too great in size to be driven away from things like this, and they continued to shout at the Jews again and again to surrender.  
  
Eventually, while looking for more stuff to throw at the Christians and Pagans, the Jews found the dragon statue in the basement. Not knowing how important it was to the mob outside to get this statue back, the Jews tossed it out the window. It landed on one Pagan, nearly killing him. The Priest and the Sorcerer were shocked, and then shouted that the Jews had surrendered. Everyone cheered, and they headed south for their homes. The Rabbi, seeing this odd, joyful retreat, commented, "They're insane, they're just plain insane."  
  
About halfway out of the Jewish district, the Priest and Sorcerer realized something: they had never decided which of them got the statue. The Priest was quickest and called for the Christians to attack the Pagans and take back their statue. Fighting broke out afresh between the Pagans and the Christians. Suddenly, the Jewish mob arrived as well, seeking vengeance for the attack on the synagogue. The fight grew so large and violent that it covered nearly all of Herex. The merchant, who had originally brought the dragon statue to town and had been staying at the inn for the past week or so, was awakened. Noticing the enormous fight going on, he decided it was time to get out of Herex in a hurry. While he was hastily loading his stuff, he saw that the dragon statue had been set on the sidewalk so it would be out of the way of the fight. Not bothering to wonder how it got out of his bags of merchandise, the merchant took the statue and high-tailed it out of Herex as fast as he could.  
  
The mobs fought all into the night, until, tired and weary, each individual returned to their beds. The Pagans never found the statue, and assumed either the Christians or the Jews had it. When the Christians couldn't find it, they blamed the Jews and the Pagans. The Jews, never being told why they were attacked in the first place, still sought revenge of the Christians and the Pagans. So, from the Roman Empire to present day, the three religions of Herex have been at constant war, and, most likely, they always will be. 


End file.
